I am frequently led to speak on the fact that there is MORE to God’s character, to the freedom Christ died for us to know, and to knowing experientially the Truth. Yet in my own heart, I’m confused and find myself disinterested by the norm of Christian ease and distracted with what I yearn for and don’t know how to put into words. I know this longing is more than I could fabricate…It is a longing that God has graced me with that longs for more of Himself…I can take no self-exaltation in it whatsoever. Erroneously, I somehow in the everyday find myself more frustrated and at times un-satisfied than I think I should be…not with my life, happenings, or anything here…but because I haven’t reached what I long to. I still have a dream, yet most often I can’t seem to study enough, spend enough time in solitude, or coagulate the yearnings of my heart into tangible words or actions that can be written on paper.
Realizing my need for food and my craving for couscous the other day landed me in a mall food court for some Egyptian cuisine! Alone, I found myself with the rare opportunity to read in public, but was stopped by some people who wanted to thank me (?) for praying before I ate – it had encouraged them. Well, that took little effort! 🙂 Anyway, they sat with their son in a wheel-chair who had a chromosome missing in his brain. He could think, he could move somewhat though handicapped, but he could NEVER speak. So, his thoughts could never be expressed in words. As I stopped and had a delightful talk with his parents who loved him so selflessly and delighted in the joy that came through this, their gift from God. They described to me his love for worship (he would put his hands haphazardly above his head and wave them with a unhindered smile exuding from his face), and they would speak for him what they had learned he would want to say but could only express in hand motions and other offers of expression. Several times we would pause for him to try with all his effort to express creatively his thoughts. I found myself intrigued, moved, and deeply encouraged and challenged by their lives of compassion and their son’s simplicity. But, in a much less appropriate response, I somehow almost found myself ironically able to relate to his perdicament and yearn to help him. So frequently, my whole being just feels like a broken record that can’t nor won’t stop trying to make a sound. I feel like, although I have the seeming means of a mouth, intellect, emotion and will in the image of my Creator; I am not yet there…I have not the ability to express or accomplish my inward longing fully…nor do I know exactly what that would look or “sound” like. Oh to live in a constant state of running to the One who can make known to me what is unheard…unseen!! In momments of active surrender, I find the peace that comes with the pursuit. It’s almost like, in the momments of actually beginning anew the search for HIM (not just figuring out where, when, how, or with whom I can do so, but in the “seeking”), I find everything else seems to mute in the background. Even with blurry sight and my meager insight constantly bombarded with the finite walls of the understanding , I DO find that there is something more though I may not yet know what it looks like or how to live in His presence fully (or anywhere as close as I believe He longs for us to know). I find the reality of the open door….I find that more is not a reality that is summed up in what I already know and have experienced….Instead, there really is more. It’s no longer a frustrated longing but a fresh reality that captivates and inspires me to, like a child, peek around what I’ve thought was immovable in my understanding…and even my understanding itself. I dare to say now: THERE IS MORE. OH, JESUS….MORE OF YOU!! 🙂
If you are anything like me, to hear others conjured thoughts gives words to my longings; sheds lights on the pursuit I am yearning to live myself; and brings deeper refreshment to my soul. If you believe that there must be more than what others are teaching you in human wisdom, you are right. You aren’t crazy, you aren’t hoping for something that really is only there in intellect and not in experience…Instead, you are looking (albeit seemingly aimlessly at times) for the straight and narrow heading after the Jesus of Nazareth…the Son of GOD…the soon to return Messiah…the One who will reign as King of Kings (Refer to the Bible if you are searching for more Truth…you can’t go wrong by looking, right? If you are scared to start there, it’s probably more proof that there’s something you must not miss but may have to even fight to find within it. Don’t miss Him…or you’ve missed everything.)
In the crevises of my being I long for something intangible yet I’m assured, somehow tangible by faith. I want to know all that I can of the God who wants me to know Him. Most times, I feel myself frustrated for what I don’t know…content yet unwilling to stay in what I’ve already experienced for a momment longer if there is more. I am and long to remain one among what A.W. Tozer calls in his book The Pursuit of God, “the fellowship of the burning heart.” (pg.1) He goes on, “To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul’s paradox of love, scorned indeed by the too easily satisfied religionist, but justified in happy experience by the children of the burning heart.”(pg.15)
Moses not only sought after God but refused to not make every effort and voice the very request his heart so longed for in Exodus 33: 13-23 (NIV) May I also realize the One that I’m seeking after…and tremble with delighted yet overwhelmed anticipation…for truly, I, though I have known Him since I was young, have no idea what I’m getting into. 🙂
|“If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?” And the LORD said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.” Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.” And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” Then the LORD said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.’ “|
|Tozer, A.W. The Pursuit of God. Camp Hill, Pennsylvania: Wing Spread Publishers, 2006.
New International Version used for all Bible references.
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