Thought on returning home….

Thought…Do I trust the LORD? I would say yes in a heartbeat, but on the plane ride back from Rome I found myself on an aiplane yearning so badly for explanation from the LORD. I didn’t realize it, but I had started praying outloud and the tears were beginning to flow. “What, LORD, are you teaching me? I was struggling with the fact of feeling like my purpose on this tour was less than what it could have been….I could have spoken more (I did speak quite a bit but nothing like I was used to in other tours), but instead I had time with people one on one (that I thoroughly enjoyed and believed to be beneficial on both sides). I was gripped by the reality that maybe I didn’t trust God enough to allow His glory to be known as greatly without me doing something great to get “it” seen. I was shown my pride in wanting to be able to write home about more – even wondering whether I had heard God at all about staying the last two weeks in Europe. I believe I did… It was like a lightbulb in my heart turned on…I realized that although I said that, “I didn’t care whether I was speaking or singing – I just wanted Him” – I really did care and felt that I was not being well used! (O the pride!) In momments of clear perspective (when i was in the WORD) trust would be readily available for use, but when I was looking at circumstances and more concerned about ministering to others…I had to have something I could see to grip to. I felt I needed big experiences and great stories of lives around me changed to say that what I was doing was worthwhile and influential – maybe even who I was was influential and right before the LORD. Truthfully, I didn’t trust the LORD that He could allow His best to be done in me ONLY being an Ambassador of Him – as if that was some small task? What? HOW IN THE WORLD? Ambassador sounds great, but just like a missionary living out the daily routine and seeing few converts, I had begun to scramble to find my worth in the fruits of service…not in just being before Him and letting Him overflow through me to others. AMBASSADOR…could there be a greater calling than to know Him? If not, then I must understand that it really doesn’t matter what He calls me to do…Only that I’m allowing Him to work through me – whether it looks like much when I write home or not. Woe is me if I care more about whether or not I look used of the LORD…whether or not I have a moving story to write home about than using that momment to pray for someone or study His WORD! He will tell me when to write home…and then, He will use what would have just been stories to become fiery “iron” to sharpen others learning this same lesson on the homefront. We are Ambassadors – Of what? TWO OPTIONS: 1) Ourselves and our ministry influence Or, 2) BEING the product of looking unto Jesus? I don’t just want His help…I want all that He is to illuminate my darkness. Without Him I am nothing…(John 15:5) All of the people who heard of Him on this trip, the hearts that were gripped, the changes that were made in all those I was blessed much more by than I could have ever been a blessing to….I am in awe of God. TO GOD BE THE GLORY. Cleansing flood fall on me. Change us, Jesus!